mike the mountain

1. Pick a exotic, interesting country, somewhere not unknown to Western travellers but not over-touristy either. The kind of place fun people go backpacking in groups.



2. Pack one black suit/white shirt and dress shoes with good grip. Be willing to lose them.
3. Find a group of younger (20s) travellers. Hang out, socialize, get to know one guy (specifically a male, doesn’t work with a female, best if he’s a movie or comic fan), find out his name, home town, etc. Give them a fake name, background, etc. If he’s got a background or family in government, military, or law-enforcement, pick someone else.
4. Casually find out where they’re staying, how long, where they’re going next. Give wrong info for your hotel/hostel (i.e., don’t be easily findable).
5. One night, be “accidentally” spotted wearing your suit. Don’t talk, run.
6. Find a web café, get pics and details of target (Facebook, etc.), info on where they’re staying, where they’ve been and are going if possible. Delete web history/cache/etc.
7. Print as much stuff as you can, build loose “dossier” in a large envelope. No fingerprints.
8. The day before you leave: trash the suit, rough yourself up, make it look like you’ve been attacked and beaten up badly. Has to look real.
9. Late at night show up at the target’s room, out of breath, near panic.
10. Act like you’re in trouble, don’t say who or why. Give him the envelope, tell him NOT to open it.



11. Tell him he has to deliver the envelope to a specific trash can (in a market or church or other high-traffic location) tomorrow before midnight.
12. If you can get a convincingly realistic prop gun, take it out. Tell him to keep the lights off, give a dramatic farewell, and run off into the night.
13. Get cleaned up, ditch clothes (and prop gun), head to the airport or bus station. If you know their next stop, send postcard with a cryptic message about everything being “safe” now.

If he does what you ask (not open the envelope, throw it in the garbage), you’ll be a topic of conversation, an interesting story with a question-mark ending.

If he opens the envelope… he will freak the hell out, and probably come looking for you (which is why you used a fake name, location, hotel, and left the country. Also why you avoided fingerprints, in case he’s extra motivated). The mystery will only grow as everything you told him ends up being false. Every James Bond, spy or assassin movie he’s ever seen will resonate in his mind for days, weeks, years. And even though nothing will happen to him, and even though he’ll get a postcard saying everything’s “safe”, he’ll wonder for the rest of his life who you were and why you were interested in him.

Holy crap has it really been nearly three months since I was on here? I need to start trying to form coherent thoughts that take more than 140 characters to elucidate.

There’s a thought that’s been rattling around in my head for a while and I need to get it out. I don’t want to, because it’s depressing and unhealthy and generally something on which I don’t like focusing, but at this point it’s become like holding in a fart on a crowded bus.

I’m 33 as I write this. Let’s say, for the sake of simple math, I live to be 93. As well, for simplicity’s sake and a touch of optimism, let us assume I am able to travel and function and enjoy my faculties right up to the end. That gives me 60 years. 720 months. A little less than 22,000 days. Most people would say that sounds like a lot. To me, it is a terrifyingly, infinitesimally small amount of time.

There is something like 195 countries in the world. I used to consider myself fairly well-traveled, fortunate enough to grow up in a family with the means and desire to see the world. But when I really think about it, I’ve maybe visited 8 actual different independent nations (E.g., Canada, USA) . Some for only a day, which can hardly be considered a true experience of the culture. That leaves 187 countries in which I’ve never set foot. If I want to see them all, that means I need to average just over 3 new countries a year, for the rest of my life. This year, our big travel plans are Vancouver. Maybe, if we have a really good year, Mexico in the winter. Those will be great trips, but I still haven’t eaten a-ping in Cambodia or wrestled a zebu in Madagascar. It is a 100% impossibility for any one person to experience every culture the world has to offer, or will offer. And some days it genuinely pisses me off.

Here is Wikipedia’s list of best-selling books.

Here’s Time’s ALL TIME 100 best English-language novels.

Here are 100 Must-Read Books for the Essential Man’s Library.

Here are the 100 Most Influential Books Ever Written.

Here are 1001 books you MUST READ BEFORE YOU DIE.

I love to read. Most books take me a long time to get through; I usually only read a few pages at a time before going to sleep. Let’s say I read 6 books a year (which is probably optimistic). That means I will likely read approximately 360 more books before I die. Even if I double, or triple my reading rate, how many books is that? If I just decide to read all 1001 books (BEFORE I DIE), I’ll need to average about 16 a year. More than one per month. Just for those “classics” that “everyone” “should” read. No room for small-time, self-published books that I might love, that I might connect with on a deep personal level. No cult-y, off-beat stuff that no critic would ever consider essential reading, but that I might thoroughly enjoy. Comics? I’ve read Watchmen, the only one that ever seems to show up on these lists. I just finished re-reading the whole Transmetropolitan series; one of my absolute favourite stories and characters from any media. Which “best” novel must I give up so I can finish reading The Walking Dead? Or the next Dark Tower novel? Again, it is a 100% impossibility for any one person to experience every piece of literature the world has to offer, or will offer. And some days it genuinely pisses me off.

(This is becoming a very negative post, and I apologize for that, but for some reason these thoughts of mortality and lost experiences have been stuck in my head for a while, and I’m really hoping that this will exercise those demons.)

I often share this personal maxim with friends: “You haven’t had your favourite meal yet.” I mean it in the sense of “You don’t know if you’ll like it until you try it.” I believe that in a broad sense, also more literally there is so much food out there to try in the world, that (statistically speaking), you probably never will get to try what would be your favourite meal. That upsets me. There is more music and movies and games and art that has been created and will be created than can ever be heard or watched or played or experienced. That upsets me. But it also motivates me.

I crave new experiences. When I visit a new restaurant, and there is something on the menu that I don’t already know what it will taste like, I have to try it. If I’m going somewhere new, I’m going to seek out things unique to that place, experiences to have that I haven’t had before, or won’t be able to have elsewhere. This is a vital part of my life. At least I want it to be. But like so many people, so much of my life is safe and sedate, rote and routine. This is a conscious and accepted choice; I want financial and familial success, stability at the core of my life, and a future certain enough for me to take greater risks along the fringes. I live where I live and work where I work because I believe it likely to lead me to a place of financial means and flexible time enough to do many of those adventures that I crave, and to do them with people I love and a family to grow with. There are people who make different choices, and I am grateful to know of them. I may not be able to experience everything the world has to offer, but I can experience so much more vicariously through the sharing of others’.

OK, thank you Internet, for letting me get this off my chest. Writing it did what I hoped it would: get me to break the mental feedback loop of focusing on all the things I won’t get to enjoy in this world, and instead fire me up once again about all the things that I will! One final extra-nerdy thought: we level up by gaining EXPERIENCE; don’t let your life become a grind.

(TL;DR – Try the special.)

What an awesome year.  Even though by some measures it wasn’t quite the year I had hoped for, there’s never a bad time in the world of Mike.

One unfortunate thing that I allowed to affect almost everything in ’08 was my shoulder injury.  In February I had what seemed like a very minor fall while snowboarding that ended up dislocating my shoulder and tearing my rotator cuff.  I have NEVER had any kind of injury take so long to fully heal!  I’m still not at 100%.  The toll this took on my usual fun and games was catastrophic: couldn’t go snowboarding for the rest of the winter, couldn’t golf at all during the summer, had to drop out of a marathon training program (still managed to run a 1/2 marathon), couldn’t wear a backpack with any weight so no overnight hiking, couldn’t do any of the normal physical activities that I usually enjoy (weightlifting, rollerblading, squash, swimming, etc.) and, as important, that keep me in any kind of healthy condition.  End result is me being in the absolute worst shape of my life: fat, weak, and pretty dang pathetic.

Enough!  That’s the other thing I let that injury do for me all year: gave me an excuse to be a whiny lazy bitch, eat badly, not do the exercise I could do, etc.  Starting TODAY, I’m back to eating well and working my a$$ off.

One goal I thoroughly enjoyed surpassing was writing at least one blog post a week.  I managed to put up 62 posts in 2008, some of which actually involved original thought!

The big highlight vacation was a roadtrip through BC.  Chrystal had never seen BC outside of Vancouver and our West Coast Trail hiking trip, so I resolved to show her as much of the rest of this incredible slice of paradise as I could.  We did a whirlwind tour of the southern interior, wine country, up the Sunshine Coast, across the island, a week (SUR-fing) in Tofino, then up through the central-BC backroads to Jasper. Tenting the whole way, enjoying some incredible local produce, grilling fresh fish over a campfire, drinking amazing wine every night… awesome.  A trip every Canadian needs to do at least once in their life.

I got all fired up about the proposed copyright legislation some twisted, ignorant, bought-and-paid-for, miserable excuse for a public servant tried to force down our throats and wallets.  Not that I have an opinion about it or anything…

In May I moved this humble little blog from Blogger to my own WordPress site.  Also started Twittering, because I really don’t have enough ways to waste time online.

Dreamgirl (who I think should start her own blog) had a huge year as well: running her first marathon in Edmonton at the end of the summer, on one of the hottest days of the year!  Also, to the joy of us both, she took a part time job at Mountain Equipment Co-Op.  Just for the extra money, of course.  Nothing to do with the staff discount, amazing trips, cool people, or any of that stuff.  Really.

A big personal achievement in the work world was finally building and launching our new website and blog.  I’m pretty dang proud of this, and I hope you will swing by every once in a while and let me know how I’m doing!

So I get a phone call last night. Asking for Chrystal, but happy to talk to me. Probably should have been my first warning.

So this guy (Nick from Georgia!) tells me “congratulations!!”  Apparently Chrystal ‘won’ a fantastic vacation package to Orlando.  Sponsored by Universal Studios; 7 days at a resort near all the attractions, full-access passes, rental car with unlimited mileage, then 4 more days on Daytona Beach. Chrystal and I and two more people at no extra cost! Of course I’m doubtful, but Nick starts rattling off all kinds of info: Chrystal’s email, birthday, home address. Hm. Not asking me for anything, just giving me a bunch of info, and telling me the package is in the mail, just make sure to send him a postcard!

Cost?

Oh there’s no charge for the accommodations or car, but there is a “registration fee” of $199 per person. Not that unreasonable, I guess. Nick keeps talking about sending us the info package, doesn’t ask me for anything, I’m starting to think this might be legit, I’m actually getting a little excited about everything… then I get transferred to the “shipping department”.

Now I’m talking to “Tony”.  Robo-caller extraordinaire.  He starts fast-talking about how they’re a very upstanding respectable company and I have nothing to worry about and they work with Universal Studios and I’ve heard of Universal Studios and if they work with Universal Studios then they must be totally legitimate and he’s confirmed that Chrystal has a Visa and it’s a 16-digit number and it starts with a 4 and if I could just read the rest of the number…

Woah. Wait. Stop. Excuse me?

“Yes I see Chrystal has a valid Visa card, it’s a 16 digit number starting with a 4.”

(At this point you’re probably thinking the same thing I am: “What the heck was in that Jamaican meat patty I just ate? Also, isn’t every Visa number 16 digits starting with a 4?”)

Also also, Chrystal doesn’t have a Visa. Red flag on the play, this one’s done. But my curiosity’s been peaked, so I’m going to drag this out a bit longer.

I tell “Tony” that I’m not comfortable giving out my girlfriend’s credit card number over the phone, is there some way they could send the info package and I’ll call back?

“We’re a perfectly legitimate company sponsored by blah blah blah… I see Chrystal has a Mastercard 16 digits starting with a 5…”

I tell him again that I’m not giving out her credit card number, do they have a phone number that I could call them back? Nope, I can’t call back without a confirmation number but they can’t give me a confirmation number until they have the credit card number because blah blah blah and what’s her Mastercard number 16 digits starting with a 5…?

At this point he’s repeated the same word-for-word script to me at least 3 times, even using some of the exact phrases that my old buddy “Nick” fed me. I’m tired of this guy now so I ask him for the name of his company. “We work with Universal Studios…” Shaddup. This is obviously a scam, what’s the name of YOUR company??

He finally mumbles out “E Tour and Travel” before I hang up, disappointed but at least relatively confident that I made the right choice here. Chrystal might have been a teensy bit upset if she came home and found out I gave her credit card info to someone over the phone.

A quick Google shows me that E Tour and Travel is some kind of super-aggressive somewhat shady looking outfit that sells timeshares (that part was never mentioned to me). Their marketing tactics are at best borderline illegal, so even if this offer (not a “prize”) was completely legit, I’m still pretty glad to not have fallen for it. To be fair, it looks like even though there’s been a ton of complaints against them, they have resolved or “made every effort to resolve” nearly all of them (according to the BBB).

I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch to say that **NO** reputable business is going to call you at night and ask for your credit card number…