mike the mountain

As I had mentioned before, I’ve been working nights regularly lately. I typically get home after 3am, tired, sore, and generally unhappy with my current situation. I’ve had the last 10 hours or so to think about how much I don’t like where I am, what I’m doing, how alone I am, etc., etc.. These is not a good mental space to occupy when sitting down to write.

As I have also mentioned previously, I find myself writing a lot of things that I then regret and delete in the morning. This previous post is a fine example. I don’t like dwelling on negativity. I don’t respect people who have much to be grateful for whining about silly inconsequential crap.

I decided to leave that post up for a couple reasons. Hopefully not sounding too egotistical, but from a purely artistic standpoint I like what I wrote and how I wrote it. More importantly though, I wanted to preserve what I was thinking and feeling that night (negative and whiny though it may be). I, like many people, do indeed struggle with depression and general malaise during the holiday season. Fortunately for myself, my personal issues are no real cause for concern, as I truly do have so much to be happy about and grateful for, it really doesn’t take me too long to get over whatever minor funk is afflicting me (good music, ice cream, cartoons… instant cures!). Therefore, I do find it interesting to examine what it is that’s running through my mind when I get bummed out. What the heck do I have to be so upset about anyway?

Finally… using the word “posterity” seems far too self-important, but the intent is correct. Years from now, when I or anyone else reads this blog/journal, I’d rather it not be filtered through some Kaufman-esque/Orwellian editing process where I only keep nice happy thoughts.

This is who I am.

This is what I’m feeling.

Most of the time… it’s a pretty happy place.

Step One: Get excited about the holidays, fondly reminiscing about the innocent joy of childhood Christmas’. Buy into all the pagentry with only a hint of irony. Post phonecam pic of shopping mall tree and first snowflake.

Step Two: Get violently sick of the endless barrage of crappy popstar covers of Christmas carols and cut-rate C-list celebrity TV specials. Try to maintain positive outlook by plugging head into parody and alternative options.

Step Three: Trying to relive memories of childhood leads to comparison of current situation. Overanalysis. Disappointment.

Step Four: Painful, grudging acceptance of the fact that it will never again be like it was when you were young. Never will you be able to enjoy the holidays without conscious awareness of the cultural shallowness, the economic/financial stresses, and the relationship and familial pressures.

Step Five: Extrapolate the decline of the Christmas/Holiday experience to the overall decrepitude of quality of life, leading to the inevitability of an ignoble, solitary, meaningless death.

Step Six: Last ditch hope that expression and analysis of mental state will have some sort of cathartic effect. Instead realize how pathetically cliche it is to be depressed about the holidays. See that you’ve abandoned any sense of personal identity and instead become just another self-involved adolescent whiny web geek complaining about how nobody understands him. Now you’re broke, miserable, AND unoriginal. Finally enter cycle of feeling depressed about feeling depressed.

I hate the holidays.

Merry Christmas.

“Where do you find this stuff?!”

I get that question a lot.

My standard answer?

“Don’t ask, just enjoy.”

Point D’Ecoute is an amazing compilation put together by a French music blog “La Blogotheque“. 23 more reasons why pop music sucks.

“My desert-island, all-time, top five most memorable split-ups, in chronological order…”

That’s the first line in the book. I’m almost 100 pages into the book, and even though it’s well written, witty, and interesting, he hasn’t stopped talking about breaking up with his girlfriend. Crap. I’m not sure if it’s helping me to read about a fictional character dealing with the same personal issues I am, or if it’s a bad idea to focus/dwell on such things, especially given everything else happening in my life right now. Oh well, either way, good book so far.

1 – “12 Days of Christmas”, Bob and Doug Mckensie

2 – “Homo Christmas”, Pansy Division

3 – “The Christmas Song”, Weezer

4 – “Merry F%$#ing Christmas”, Mr. Garrison (Southpark)

5 – “I Won’t Be Home For Christmas”, Blink-182

6 – “Oi To The World”, No Doubt

7 – “Christmas Is Almost Here”, The Arrogant Worms

8 – “O Holy Night”, Eric Cartman (Southpark)

9 – “Christmas Time For My Penis”, The Vandals

10 – “Happy Holidays, You Bastard”, Blink-182

11 – “Christmas Day”, Green Day

12 – “My Christmas List”, Simple Plan

13 – “Dad Threw Up On Christmas Day”, The Arrogant Worms

14 – “Twas The Night After Christmas”, Jeff Foxworthy

And for a slightly more SFW mix of holiday tunes by a bunch of bands you probably haven’t heard of but will soon discover you need to listen to far more…

Have Yourself A Merry Indie Christmas

OK, fine, I admit it. I’m sick of bartending. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone… I had my fill months ago. Managing at the Fields (wow, is that place swirling the bowl) was different. I was MANAGING, not bartending. I poured drinks when it was needed. I had real responsibilities, and much more of a sense of pride in my job. Now, I’m trapped in a Coupland-esque “occupational slumming McJob“.

Nobody is hiring in December (not for ‘real’ jobs), I still have to pay bills, Centro is offering me steady employment until Christmas. No choice. I hate not being in control, I hate feeling trapped.

I’m still torn about what to do job-wise when I get back to Toronto in January. Do I continue bartending to pay my bills, focusing all my spare time and energy into The Waterfall Group? Trying to get some income generated as soon as possible, make it my first priority and treat it like a real career? Or do I play it safe, cover my butt, and get a ‘real’ job, get back to a professional life and income, relagating WG to a back burner project? Still active, still ready to jump on the opportunity if/when it comes… damn it, I just don’t know! With all I’ve already put into it, all I’ve sacrificed, all the bullshit I’ve already had to put up with… If I could just book a couple events, make a few thousand, then whatever happened at least I could hold my head high.

At least it will have been worth it.

Last night I wrote about my feelings.

Thinking, like one does late at night, that I don’t care what the world thinks, that I’m going to start writing what I want, saying what I want.

Last night was a lot of sadness and anger. Directed at people I care very much about.

This morning I chickened out.

Again.



Rule number five.

I think I finally get it. I do need to start another blog, a private one, but not just to bitch about things and be negative all the time… I want one to talk about my work and fun and things I want to share with all my friends and family. But I also want one that no body else knows about. Where I can write about my personal thoughts and feelings and other stuff that no one else gives a crap about. Writing just for myself.

It’s finally snowing here. How cinematically appropriate. I think I’ll walk around in the snow today listening to Air Supply and Enya. Then throw myself under a bus.

“Write every day.”

That’s the first tip for blogging by this guy. Appearantly he knows something about writing. Oh well, sounds like good advice. And it’s not like I’ve been that productive lately, so anything that gets me working is a good thing.

One more question, does today count as today, even though it’s technically tomorrow?