mike the mountain

Whew, ok, still buzzing. Too much geek in one day. Loved it. I swear my body is trying to spontaneously form pocket protectors and calculator watches, stigmata-like, out of my own flesh.

This weekend in Toronto. Geek-Fest 2004, also known as the Canadian National Expo… even more also-ly known as Comic Book Expo, Anime Expo, Science Fiction Expo, and Horror Expo. AT THE SAME TIME!! This thing was HUGE! It took up every floor, every hall, every theater in the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. I could only make it out for Sunday, but the whole floor was packed right to the end. If I had any inkling of the scale of this expo I would have booked off at least 2 days to go all out. But I think I did all right for myself…

So, aside from the usual free comics, badges, posters, CDs, DVDs, toys, pens, and other swag, I finally found a place in Toronto to get my freaky little indy/import flicks that no one in their right mind would ever hope to come across in Blockbuster. Soooooo… check these bad boys out: I’ve talked about Ichi The Killer before. This movie’s trailer is more messed up and disturbing than almost anything you’ll find coming out of Hollywood in the last 20 years. Crazy psycho violent from a culture without a ratings system. Even the proprietor wouldn’t sell it to me until he made very sure I knew what I was getting in to. “Even by Japanese standards, this is terrifying, disturbing, horrible… and beautiful.” I can’t wait.

Onwards down the spiral of depravity, who here hasn’t dreamed of combining classic 70s zombie cinema with hardcore German porn? I know the indescribable Joe d’Amato did. And so we have the, um, adjective-defying Erotic Nights of the Living Dead. Anything I say after that title will do nothing to affect the opinion you’ve already formed about it (and likely me).

What movie title comes to mind that starts with “Jesus Christ…”? Superstar? Close. Try this baby on for size: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. “The Power Of Christ Impales You.” That is the single greatest tagline I have ever heard. I can’t wait for the sequel “Buddha Buffy”.

I got a few posters for the cool and creepy Saw, the wonderously whimsical Shaun of the Dead, and the transcendant Hero (which I had the exquisite joy of viewing a direct import of just a few weeks ago).

Sadly, the headliner guest Mr. Patrick Stewart had to cancel, understandably needing to take time to recover from a recent angioplasty (or so they want you to believe). I can’t complain, as I take a look at the line up of artists that did come out to say hi. And how stoked was I to get my pictures taken with Chewbacca, Crypt-Keeper, Jason, and Sex-Machine!! (Pics to come soon!) I also got a shot of horror God George Romero, but I didn’t make it in time to get an autograph.

So many comics, so many movies, so many HOT CHICKS IN COSTUMES?! Where the heck do these women come from? Think of what girls look like in comics, anime, sci-fi and horror fantasy… now imagine real live hot women dressing like that! And totally into cool geek stuff! There is hope for geekdom…

“Twitch” – Bif Naked

I got an iPod. 40 gig, over half full right off the bat, still plenty of CDs to import. My life needs a soundtrack.

(ok, before going any farther, does anyone know why this “http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif” bullcrap keeps appearing when I’m writing my post?? It just seems to insert itself in randomly, and it’s REALLY ANNOYING!!!)

“The Likes of You” – Flogging Molly

I’m listening to a relatively random selection of tunes, just for interest’s sake I’ll list the songs as they play while I write. I figure you can tell a lot about people by the kind of music they enjoy. This little microcosmic experiment can test that.

It’s about 9:30 Friday night, been a long day at work, I was falling asleep on the couch watching Disney’s “Hercules“, which I found surprisingly enjoyable. It helps to shut your brain off once in a while.

“Mr. Sandman” – Gob

But I didn’t want my day to end so soon, and I’ve been meaning to write for a while now. I need to consciously dedicate more time to this, otherwise it will be forgotten too easily. I’ve accepted at this point that what I put up here will be far more focused on my own abstract thoughts and emotions than any practical advice on managing a restaurant… cool with me, hope you don’t mind.

“Come Sail Away” – Eric Cartman (Southpark “Chef Aid”)

Naturally, as so much of my life is wrapped up in the work I do at the Fields, so shall much of my writing reflect this. It would be impossible for me to talk about today without mentioning how it started with a 6am phone call from the owner about how the alarm company had contacted him, reporting a break in. As he had only recently retired for the night, and was still heavily intoxicated, he did not feel up to checking out the situation in person. Sends the cops, gets me and the other manager to go see what’s happening. 6:30 in the morning, Lewis and I stumble into the bar, noting that all exits are still locked, there’s no signs of damage or theft, even the alarm is still active. Varying amounts of bitterness and anger are tempered by sarcastic amusement when we discover that the owner’s daddy (the real money/power behind everything) decided to “see what would happen” when he set the alarm off at 6am.

“Hooked On A Feeling” – Blue Swede (would anyone care to tell my why a google search of “Hooked on a Feeling” comes up with this as it’s first option?)

It’s hard not to feel like you’re being jerked around by a couple of rich dudes with no respect for anyone that doesn’t have a trust fund. It’s almost a shame how much I enjoy this job, and how much I want to be a part of the upcoming season… I have a list of great excuses to just walk out almost every day.

“Dancing With Myself” – Blink 182

Case in point, today now marks the second payroll period where I have had to go back into my sales in the past week (for the shifts where I’ve had to serve) and, assuming I make 15% tips, subtract that amount from my paycheck. The attempt here is to reduce our payroll on paper, while still ostensibly paying me the same amount.

“Moto Foxe” – Chixdiggit

I know I’ve said before that I don’t care nearly as much about how much I get paid anymore, and I do still find this job very rewarding. That’s why I’ll still be there tomorrow. But respect is still important. And no matter how good a job I do, or how hard I work, I simply do not feel that the owners have now, or ever will have, any respect for me. When money and work mean nothing to you, how can you even begin to grasp what it means for a person to take pride in their efforts, and their desire to see that pride and effort rewarded?

“You’re The First, The Last, My Everything” – Barry White

(Note to self: When writing on the rock, bring a butt pillow)

My lychee bubble tea just ran out. Will I have the strength to go on? Only time will tell.

“Sweet Transvestite” – Apocalypse Hoboken (Rocky Horror Punk Rock Show, great album)

On the artistic note, I took JP and Lisa to see Urinetown last night. Great musical, very funny, and very well done. I highly recommend it, although you will probably get more out of it if you have some background or at least experience in musical theatre. There’s a lot of self-referential satirical humour in it (“Nothing kills a show like too much exposition. How about a bad title?” “Welcome to the second act”, etc.), though not central to the plot so it won’t ruin it for you.

“Fire Water Burn” – Bloodhound Gang (“I’m the root of all that’s evil, but you can call me cookie.” I love that line.)

“The Night Patty Murphy Died” – Great Big Sea

My wallpaper rotates every hour; the one that just popped up is a photo collage by a good friend of mine from Edmonton named Brian. It just gave me a quick mental bitchslap for all the friends I haven’t stayed in touch with. Well, if my some miracle you come across this post: Brian, Ted, Skatie, Mary, Kayliegh, Julia, Jeremy, Shmegan, Clark, Pete, and Scotty, I still love you guys!

“The Millionaire” – Dr. Hook

I’m just going to sit and listen to some tunes for a while… this ramble is getting a little long as it is…

“Name of the Game” – Crystal Method (wow, there’s an interesting genre jump. I’ve got a great mental fantasy action sequence to this song, I’ll have to try and write it out some time.)

Oh yeah, I just ordered this really sweet shirt I found online. Now I’m guaranteed to get a girlfriend!

“The Boys of Summer” – The Ataris

OK, I’m actually getting a fairly decent strength WiFi signal here, so I’m going to stop goofing around and post this thing. Definitely amoung my most self-indulgent posts, but hey, it was fun. I didn’t even get into the design contest entries or my new beard. Gotta save some stuff for later I suppose. Oh, and I also ran into an old aquaintance playing in town… hey Joel! Amazing solo folk musician, I was lucky enough to notice his picture in one of the Toronto entertainment papers the day of his show!

By the way, what do the songs that played while I was writing say about me?

Stupid Windows Media Player crap… a website tried to queue up a WMV file and crashed Firefox, which of course had my half-completed post under another tab. You’ll just have to trust me that it was the most insightful, enlightening, facinating thing I’ve ever written and it would have changed the world had it only had the chance to be shared. This is not the greatest blog in the world, this is just a tribute.

Anyway, back to what I was talking about before:

Hell yeah.

Did Bill ever do anything else? At least Mr. 24‘s doing all right for himself. More than I can say for the Coreys.

It’s 9:30 on Saturday night (or at least it was when I wrote this the FIRST time) and my bar is empty. This sucks. I know there’s a bit of competition in the city right now; one of the first nice weekends in a LONG time, and the kickoff for the CNE (Toronto’s fair/festival/Conklin stop, a.k.a. Klondike Days in Edmonton or the Calgary Stampede). I know I’m like 2 weeks away from the start of an awesome September, but it still hurts to see any day go poorly like this. I’ve really started to feel some ownership in the bar, so I almost take it personally when people don’t come here. Weird, I know, but still… it’s almost a matter of pride. I’ve put so much effort already into making W. C. Fields (soon to be The Fields) a success, I’m just really excited to see some of it come to fruition. I know well enough not to get too emotionally invested in anything as fleeting as the food service industry, especially in as trendy an area as we’re in, but some passion is necessary if there is to be any chance of success in the first place!

“Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire.” I love this movie. I love cheesy 80s movies and I love vampires. Do you? What a wonderful coincidence… check out this list. I am proud to say I can personally attest to the special quality of all eleven of those movies.

Hmm… speaking of weird movies, “But I’m A Cheerleader” just started! Strange but (IMHO) hilarious movie satirizing traditional gender roles and conservative views on sexuality. A classic stereotypically WASP family thinks that their daughter is becoming a lesbian, so they send her to a “gender camp”, where boys and girls learn how to act the way good boys and girls should, in the most obtuse exaggerated way possible (all the boys wear blue and play sports, all the girls wear pink and do housework, etc.). Stars the slutty friend girl from the first American Pie. Funny weird cult crap, my sense of humour. And chicks making out, which is always a bonus. Speaking of apple pie, I need a snack. Wow, once again, junk food and TV cheers me up after a rough night!

I was set tonight to whine and bitch about how depressed I was feeling lately… you know, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament (don’t worry, no shorn scrotum yet). Been really bummed lately, doing too much work and not enough fun/exercise. Add that to yesterday being one of those annoying days that any server can tell you about; when no matter how good you are, how fast the food and service is, and even how nice the customers themselves are, you just can’t seem to make any tips! I must have walked out of my shift last night with less than 10% (I usually average 20+ when I serve). No reason, just a bad night. And then tonight was so dead, I didn’t sell a single thing after 8:00, so I had plenty of time to sit and think about how miserable I was feeling. So yeah, I was ready to really hit the sympathy suck switch.

Then I had some cheesecake and watched The Simpsons.

Now I feel much better.

A homeless woman who was begging for change told me to get a life today.

Define irony for me.

She found it inappropriate that I ask her to stop harassing the customers on my patio. I suppose there could be the argument that I should let them try and get their money however they can. There could also be the argument that people who want to sit down and have dinner with their friends and/or family may not want to be approached by strangers, possibly exhibiting a foul odour and questionable language, and be asked for or even have demanded of them money, cigarattes, or anything else. As the one responsible for providing a pleasurable environment for my guests, I also consider it my responsibility to deal with people affecting that environment. And whatever pseudo-liberal guilt some might like to charge me with completely evaporates every time I have to call the police because some screaming lunatic has chased a woman down the street in front of my bar.

A few years ago there was a big controversy over the destruction of a “Tent City”, or semi-permenant community of homeless people’s fabricated dwellings. An open lot was owned by a business, they had not yet put any use to it. A large contingent of homeless people had set up shelter there, using everything from metal sheeting to cardboard boxes. When the business that owned the property decided to build a warehouse there, they served notice of their intent both to the inhabitants of the Tent City and to the police. Naturally the media sniffed it out. This became the cause of the moment, with everyone crying for the heads of the heartless bastards that wanted to force these poor downtrodden people from their only homes, out into the bitter cold night with no where to go. TV, newspapers, protest marches… I totally fell for it. I was pissed. Hadn’t these people had enough? They didn’t have a choice, they tried to make a home for themselves and now they were being tossed out like garbage… right?

Then I read a small article in one of the indy papers who was looking into the homeless shelters in the city. I found out that in the summer, our shelters run at about 50% capacity. That’s right, half full. So why, you might ask, are there so many people sleeping on the street, begging for money for “food”? Why don’t they just go to one of the many empty beds and meals waiting for them for free? Could it be because to go to one of these shelters you have to turn in your weapons and drugs? Hmm… Something to think about next time you see someone sitting on the sidewalk, looking really tragic and pathetic, begging for money, just so they can get something to eat. Do you pay taxes? For a real laugh, try buying one of them a sandwich and see what their reaction is.

I’m not saying I have any Swiftian solution in mind, heck I’d love to run a soup kitchen out my delivery entrance if I thought it would help. All I can say is while I’d be proud to support charities or volunteer at shelters, I will NOT give money to someone begging on the street. I’d love to print up little cards with directions to the nearest shelter where they could get a meal if they wanted, just to see the reaction. If you think you’re helping anyone by giving a bum your money, you’re not. You’re only feeding his problem. Put your effort and your wallet where it will do the most good. That I leave for you to decide.

On a totally unrelated note, I received one of the nicest complements today from one of my servers. She said something along the lines of how she hopes to raise her son to be the kind of man I am. Wow.

I think I just threw that last bit in there so you don’t think I’m a total heartless bastard.

Chinatown Festival. Taste of the Danforth. Festival of Beer.

Tomorrow’s going to be a busy day.

Heh, Aliens is on the big screen right now… the dweeb from Mad About You just got his face eaten. Never liked that guy anyway.

OK, I feel like a total piece of meat right now. Which is normally a good thing, but this is getting a little out of control. There’s a lovely lady out on the patio right now that’s had a few too many… and I’m getting the hint that those beer goggles are aimed squarely at yours truly. Again, not normally a problem. Heck, another time I’d probably be shagging her on the pool table about now. Meh, easy sex is always out there, don’t think I’m quite there yet.

Whoops, this is starting to get a little personal. Can’t have that, can we? Besides, I might ruin the image everyone has of me as this fearless studly hotshit playboy… right?

“Whatcha up to bro?”

“BBQ?”

“I’m there.”

Should take me about an hour or so to walk back to my place from here… need steaks. Very little time, gotta get a marinade together fast. 10 minutes, found a butcher, got two steaks, some rub-on marinade and Barberian’s steak spice, and a pack of real Italian chinotto (sort of like cola). Wow it’s nice out, 30 degrees, sunny, perfect summer long weekend. 15 minutes more minutes, there’s a Dollar store, grab a cheapie Tupperware box. Danforth smells amazing today! Everyone’s getting geared up for this weekend’s “Taste of Danforth” festival. This area is the heart of the Greek community, and during the summer every restaurant and bar opens up their windows and doors to the street. Another 10 minutes, liquor store!! Some good strong German beer and a bottle of Bek Se Ju (Korean Wine). Into a back alley, stupid German beer doesn’t have a twist top so I have to crack it open against a metal post. Try a sip, not too bad… realize I’m sitting in a back alley drinking beer, kind of a low point. Pour the beer into the plastic container, add some steak spice, toss in the steaks, give ‘em a shake, realize that I shouldn’t shake beer, pour off the foam, close the container, tie the plastic bag shut, and I’m off!

About 45 minutes later, I’m back at the apartment. Got a pot of water boiling on the stove, throw in some organic loose leaf lavender lemonade tea from Canmore, make some real iced tea with that. Make a jug of the sugary crap for everyone else. No sign of Bill (roommate with BBQ), JP and Lisa on their way over with steaks that they’ve had marinating for like 4 days. Some time to kill… throw in my Martini Mix with a bunch of funky jazzy lounge tunes (and a bit of redneck thrown in for good measure), grab the latest Adbusters, and hop into our new hammock chair on the patio. Yeah, this is a nice life.

JP, Lisa, PS2, Celebrity Deathmatch… fun. Bill, frying pan, garlic, butter, escargot, french loaf… tasty. Up to the roof, nice to live with the super. A little propane grill Bill found in the garbage room, never used. Fire it up, slap on the meat, crack open some chinottos and brews. Snap some fun pics, enjoy some laughs, savour some great and unique pieces of beef (my beer and steak spice, JP’s worchestershire and soy, Bill’s pepper hot sauce). Back to the apartment, some blueberry pastries and Twisted Metal Black. JP and Lisa head back to their place to feed and walk the dogs, Bill’s gone to bed (after watching the lightning of an evening thunderstorm). It’s about midnight now, and I’m just finishing up some writing.

Summer.